When I was in high school I was fascinated by two girls, Erin and Amber. They were best friends and popular, but not in the cheerleader or rich-kid kind of popular. No, they were the rebels. They cut class, they dabbled in illegal substances, they gave teachers attitude. All while managing to look fashionable with great hair and great skin. They were the girls with the attitude I never had.

No. I was on-time to class, went to every class and was very respectful to my teachers. I always wondered how Erin and Amber did it. They were so cool. When I would see them I would get a little nervous. A nervousness that came from feeling like I didn’t belong. I didn’t fit in with that crowd. While from outside I was doing OK, in my gut, I was not myself.

Once the moments were over and I returned to my regular group of friends I felt much more relaxed and at home. The same goes for surfing. Certain breaks, I just feel calm, relaxed and at ease. There is no fear of the waves or the crowds. Then there are the breaks that, like hanging around Erin and Amber, I just don’t feel comfortable. I know I don’t quite fit in, I know I don’t quite belong there…. yet.

While from the shore it may look like I am doing OK, inside my stomach is turning with each paddle out and each paddle for a wave. My senses are heightened and I am very aware of everything around me. And even as I go out to this break more and more, the feelings remain, until one day when I can finally fit into the crowd.

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